In a relationship, I am always wondering if it really is me – am I hoping for too much? are my standards really that impossible?
This spirals into other questions that become far uglier, and I find myself mired. If I leave, will I be alone and live in regret the rest of my life? Will this decision be the worst one I ever made? What sacrifices am I willing to make? Why doesn’t anyone else seem to go through this? It HAS to be just me.
You can see how this becomes crippling.
Christmas 1997
It was the annual office Christmas party; having branch offices in several areas, a central location for the festivities was settled on, involving an overnight stay in the area. I invited the beau du jour.
The plans were made and we headed off. The drive up there was uneventful – check into the hotel, change into our party gear and off to join my co-workers, introducing the beau as we went along.
The evening consisted of a full sit-down meal, followed by live entertainment. The drinks were flowing and everyone was ready to have a good time. As the meal was finishing up, the beau leaned across the table and whispered that he wanted to talk to me in private. We pop out to the lobby, where he informs me that our relationship isn’t working out and he wanted to call a halt to proceedings. 2+ hours from home, staying the night in a hotel with a guy who didn’t want to see me anymore! I walk back into the party where my boss gets the scoop from me. Word quickly passed through the group, who rallied around me and kept me entertained, leaving ex-beau to get well and truly sauced, all by his lonesome.
My efforts to lock him out of the room were ruined by the front desk staff, who unlocked the door for him – guess they had to, his name was on the reservation. Thankfully our room had two beds and after making sure he was passed out for the night, I managed to grab a few hours of sleep. On the drive back, he insisted on stopping for coffee about half way home. We sat in silence, him nursing his hangover and me nursing my bruised ego.
Back to town, he dropped me near my office and as I was walking away he ran after me, asking for a second chance and describing the bracelet he’d bought me for Christmas. Not being one to go back down the same road, I refused his advances and hurried to the office to call everyone I knew for moral support!
Since then, I’ve managed to avoid inviting any current “whatever he is” to any function if I can possibly help it! And so far, I’ve been successful for all but one event! 
I’ll get the ball rolling, and tell you a story that I know, although it isn’t mine.
A friend of mine had been dating this guy for a while - they were head over heels, she’d met the family, he’d met hers, gifts were exchanged and they spent a great deal of time planning their future together.
One night, they’d planned a special night, which they both enjoyed, and when he left the next morning she had no idea what was running through his head.
He had his MOTHER call her that evening to inform her that she wouldn’t be seeing him anymore.
So I’m like really bad at breaking up with people. I have this fear of hurting the other person, which leads me to stay in relationships far longer than I should. I haven’t been good at it since I was younger – I think my first boyfriend dumped me (since he was in college and I was in high school), I dumped my second boyfriend on the phone, and my next lover cheated on me, so that ended that relationship. As I aged, I became less callous and more caring. I was married for a long time, and I can tell you that it took me 5.5 years to finally screw up enough courage to get divorced!
So what runs through your mind when you start thinking to yourself “you know, this isn’t working for me?”
